Below is the transcript of a conversation/Q&A; with Kittie Piatch and Romeo Satin discussing everything Cougar. This article is also a friendly reminder that THE LAUNCH FOR MYNA WALLIN’S CONFESSIONS OF A RELUCTANT COUGAR IS TONIGHT!! Come to Proof Vodka Bar (220 Bloor Street West) in all your cougar fineries. Prizes will be awarded for the best cougar attire.
Q: Do you cougar?
K: Have we met? Oh, no, I just know your son.
R: I do cougars!
K: Have we met?
Q: How do Romeo Satin and Kitty Piatch know Myna Wallin?
K: Funny story, I came into the gym after hours and there she was, on my trainer, doing a move with the elliptical machine that was so delicately beautiful I thought I’d go blind darling. From then on, we were Coug Kin.
R: I remember that. I was having a cool shower after Myna’s and my high impact aerobic Romeocise session. I used to give them at Bally’s every Tuesday night back then.
Q: Romeo, how do you feel about older women? Would you ever seriously date a cougar?
R: I won’t lie to you, Romeo’s not as spry as he once was. Nowadays the biggest barrier between me and older women is usually a pair of depends. Ha ha… but seriously.
K: (moves slightly away from Romeo) Anyone need another cougartini? I sure do.
Q: Romeo, do tell us about your first experience with a cougar. Dish!
R: (takes a swig of his rusty nail and looks melancholy) Her name was Charlie. She tended bar at the Aquarius Lounge, back in the summer of ’78. I was the busboy. She taught young Romeo a lot about life and love between the Harvey Wallbangers, and the walk in freezer.
K: Oh did she teach you that thing when you spin and….
R: All her baby.
Q: Kitty, have you dated men both significantly older and younger than you? How do they compare?
K: I have doll. If I feel like talking, I date up. If I feel like only saying things like “oh god oh yes… again… again… agaaaaaain…. well. I date down and dirty.
R: I remember what Marsha Warfield said. “They say older men have more staying power than younger men. But really, who wants to fuck an old man for a long time.”
K: Romeo, if you were a spray bottle of Blue Stratos, I’d stink of men all day long. Oh that’s right I do.
Q: How has Myna’s work influenced your life professionally and privately?
R: Myna sets the standard. Her exploits are legend. She inspires me in ways that even a table of empty Mai Tais and a Neil Sedaka tribute band can’t touch. (raises near empty glass and winks) Love you babe.
K: Her work is so close, so real, that it’s almost like she’s following me around and telling me : “Do it Darling, you only live once” and she’s so right. She is an inspiration to writers, to women, to cougars of all degrees of kegel strength.
Q: Romeo, what advice would you give a young man dating a cougar?
R: Don’t be afraid son, never be afraid. You may think what she is doing is creepy right now, but you’ll look back on this in 20 years and realize it’s the most sensual thing you’ve ever experienced.. Also, don’t stop at the foot massage, be a champ and reach for that pumice stone, and the loofah. It will score you lots of extra points.
Q: What advice can you give to aspiring cougars?
K: Make sure you wear waterproof makeup in any situation. Keep the claws clean, you never know what sort of fine genetic material may end up there. Never let them stay the night, they will become your messy sons in the morning. And never try reapplying lipstick while sucking on a medallion cigarette, some of the cheap stuff is highly flammable and only Pam Anderson can get away with not having any eyebrows. Have you seen those tits? Like a effing Rembrandt.
R: You effed Rebrant?
K: Finish your drink darling, I’ll go get us some Harvey Wallbangers from the stroll in deep freeze.